


are you really gonna love me when you're gone? (i fear you won't)

by Ridja



Category: Runaways (TV 2017), The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, Established Clexa, F/F, Modern AU, deanoru - Freeform, established Deanoru, family fic, like they're literal wives, nicolina
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-03-13 20:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13578459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ridja/pseuds/Ridja
Summary: Sixteen years ago, Clarke Griffin gave birth to a beautiful little girl that she called Lucy. However, she was obligated to give the baby away to Foster Care. Said baby was adopted by none other than Leslie Dean.Karolina Dean faced a lot of challenges and selfdiscovery issues and while she expected that finding out she had been adopted her whole life would make it all worse, it gave her a second chance.Or,That au where Karolina is Clarke's long lost daughter that literally nobody asked for.





	1. Amends

**Author's Note:**

> So, I guess you guys have noticed that Virginia and Eliza look SO MUCH alike and that gave me this idea. For a little bit of context, imagine the Runaways are emancipated here!
> 
> Also, thanks to my wife gracefullycursed for taking a read and being my beta!  
> (And I'm really sorry for the spacing between lines, ao3 kinda screwed me up on this one)

 

_Sixteen Years._

 

It had been sixteen years. Sixteen years ever since Clarke felt the warmth, the scent and the gentleness of her little newborn. Ever since she held that perfect little creature in her arms, bright blue eyes staring at her curiously, making sense of the whole new world around them before the baby instinctively started moving on her lap, little hands looking for a source of food. Clarke helped her, exposing her breast to the little girl and letting her feed, her eyes sparkling with love and tenderness, the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

 

Getting pregnant at 17, right as she was about to finish her senior year and her boyfriend had just broken up with her had been the scariest thing that had ever happened to her. She took longer than planned to tell her mother, knowing how it would be when she did. She knew Abby would never let her keep the baby. Not when she was about to start Med School. Not when she would have to sacrifice her whole future for it.

 

Clarke never had the courage to “take care of it”. Despite being pro-choice, that wasn’t a choice she could make. She always wondered if it would have been better. To not let that child come to life instead of doing so and not knowing what kind of future expected her. But she still couldn’t do it. She had loved that little thing ever since she was nothing but a seed inside of her.

 

Being pregnant and knowing she would have to give up the baby as soon as she was out was the most bittersweet things one could ever experience. She would try to breath in every little moment of her pregnancy, every little second she could have with her baby inside of her, even if she knew trying to not get attached to it would be smarter. She gave her a name as soon as she heard it was a girl, Lucy. Perhaps she would have her name changed and would never know that was supposed to be it, but at least while she was with Clarke, she would be her little Lucy.

 

Clarke developed the stupid habit of talking to the baby. She hated how Lucy would kick when she heard her voice or move inside and react to it so naturally. She hated how she _knew_ who her mother was. It would be better if she didn’t feel any sort of connection to Lucy. Or if it felt more one-sided. But it wasn’t. The baby reacted to her. The baby _knew_ her as much as she knew Lucy. She knew that baby better than anyone else, even if she had never seen her.

 

If she could keep Lucy inside forever, despite all of the pregnancy symptoms, she would. Only so she never had to give her away.

 

But the day came.

 

Clarke was sitting down on her bed, trying to read a book when it happened. She felt her water break and froze, unable to react. Her eyes immediately teared up, her tears dropping over her tummy.

“Lucy... “ She whispered in between tears, taking a hand to her belly and squeezing it, embracing as best as she could. She knew giving birth was a painful experience, she was ready for the physical pain. She was ready for the contractions.

 

She was not ready for her soul to break.

 

****  
  
Clarke and Lexa lived a very comfortable life in Los Angeles in a penthouse where they could see almost all of the city. They had been married for two years and Lexa owned a huge shoe brand. Clarke worked in the Social Media and Marketing area, making illustrations, gifs and whatever else the company needed for promotion. She was amazingly creative and her posts would always get a lot of attention. They traveled a lot during vacations. They were happy.

 

But Clarke still missed Lucy. There were days she missed her daughter so much, it squeezed her breast and even breathing became hard. It was Lexa who convinced her to try to look for the child. Alone, she could never bring herself to even consider the idea, overwhelmed by the turmoil of feelings that would hit her whenever she let her thoughts go that way. But with Lexa’s support, the weight was lifted, even if just a little.

 

It took a while. Lexa paid the best lawyers she could find to help and one of her cousins, Luna, was a Social Worker who worked with Foster Care. Clarke didn’t have any hopes that her daughter would be also looking for her, so she thought it would be best if the first contact and everything else came from her.

 

It took three months. Three months where each phone call, each text message would startle her and immediately fill her with a mix of hope and fear that would take her to the edge of her anxiety. She also went insane because she didn’t wanna jinx it so Lexa and Luna were the only people who knew about it other than herself.

 

But eventually she got a call from Luna. Her words banging in Clarke’s mind like a set of drums.

 

“ _We’ve located her.”_.She dropped the phone and Lexa had to take the rest of the call, her wife breaking down beside her on the couch, tears streaming furiously down her face, her whole body shaking, her hand closing in a fist.

 

“ _We’ve located her.”_

 

She was alive. She existed.

 

Clarke would be able to see her again.

 

* * *

Karolina sat at the coffee shop by herself. She had arrived earlier than she was supposed to, but being nervous and confused as she was, she had been faster than normal to get ready. Her makeup was still intact, somehow. Even if she didn’t wear as much as Nico, she could have screwed something up.

 

Nico. She wished she would be there. But the Social Worker had told her it would be better if it was just her and that woman who claimed to be her mother for the first contact. It was bullshit. She knew that with Nico’s hand to hold things would be easier. But at least they were texting while she waited. She kept texting both her girlfriend and Gert, who somehow became her favorite person right after Nico, her best friend.

 

“ _You know what’s the worst? This is another thing Leslie hid from me.”_ She sent to the both of them, sighing heavily. “ _I thought the secrets were over now that our parents are locked up but apparently not!_ ”

 

“ _Karolina. Breathe. I know it’s bullshit, but getting mad at Leslie won’t help right now.”_ Gert sent. “ _The more you think about it, the more anxious you’ll get.”_

 

She was right. She hated when Gert was right.

 

“ _Leslie can screw herself. Hopefully you’ll get better luck this time, babe.”_ Nico replied, Karolina’s heart speeding up a little with the nickname.

 

“ _Thanks, Gert.”_

 

“ _Thanks, love.”_

 

She replied to each of the girls, opening her instagram to browse a little while she waited for another reply from either of them. She wished she could flirt with Nico to release the tension, but that moment wasn’t appropriated at all.

  
Actually, she wished they could make out. That would certainly release the tension.

 

Karolina smiled, feeling herself blush. The both of them had agreed to take things slowly, especially because of how Karolina was still facing some internalized homophobia, but they were advancing. Their kisses becoming a little more fierce, their hands going down each other’s bodies a little more. Karolina’s most vivid memory was of Nico’s lips going down to her neck, her whole body shivering, her lips letting a moan escape and--

 

“Karolina Dean?” The sudden call of her name made her jump, dropping her phone on the table. She gulped, hoping her face wasn’t as red as it felt.

 

“Hi… Luna.” She replied, forcing a smile. The mental image of herself and Nico was still stuck in her head. Stupid gay brain.

 

“Hey, sweetie…” Luna sat down in front of her. “How have you been?”

 

“Good…”

  
_Liar._

 

“Are you adjusting well?” Karolina nodded. That was not a lie. Living alone in her parents’ mansion could make her feel lonely sometimes, but Nico and/or Gert were always around so it wasn’t as if she spent too much time alone. She was still going to school normally, even though she wished she wasn’t. Kids could be twice as cruel when you’re gay and have your parents in prison. Still, she could face them now. She was stronger and she had people beside her. So even if people like Eiffel had been twice as cruel, she was twice as strong.

 

“Okay, good.” Luna smiled. “Are you ready to meet her?”

 

_No._ Would she ever be? That woman represented another lie told by Leslie. Another secret hidden from Karolina her entire life. Another stab in the back by the people she thought she could trust the most.

 

But she was _curious_. Hopeful, even. Perhaps Clarke was _good._ Perhaps she could have a normal family? Was there such thing as a normal family?

  
“Yeah.” She answered, nodding a bit, getting her phone to text Nico and Gert, trying to get just a little more support before facing her birth mother. Luna nodded, getting her own phone to let Clarke know she could get in.

 

The first moment their eyes met, both of them froze. Clarke was not ready for how much she would look like her. She expected Karolina to be more of a mix of herself and her first High School boyfriend, her father, but she looked more like a reflection of Clarke with softer features. Most of all, she could see her own eyes perfectly in Karolina’s eyes, her mouth in Karolina’s mouth, similar face shapes, though Clarke’s was more squared. Only their noses weren’t as similar as one another.

 

“Oh my God, you’re beautiful…” Said Clarke, her lips trembling a bit. She kept a straight face, but it was still very clear that she was holding back tears. Karolina didn’t know how to react to that. She wanted to feel emotional. She wanted to feel some sort of instant connection, but all she could feel was shock. She looked too much like Clarke. It was real. That was her mom.

  
“T-thank you…” She stuttered, frozen. She should get up to greet the woman but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She felt paralyzed as if her legs were stuck in place. She really wished Nico was there

Clarke nodded, sitting in front of Karolina. Luna smiled at them, warning she would be on the other table, getting up to let the two of them talk. Instantly, the air got heavy, neither of them knowing how to start a conversation. Karolina had so many questions. Clarke had so many apologies.

 

“So… You’re my mom.” Karolina tried to break the silence, the words immediately sounding way too obvious. Clarke nodded with a little smile, but she still looked as if she was holding back tears.

 

And she was. Seeing Karolina right in front of her, breathing, talking, staring into her, it still felt unreal. If she closed her eyes, she could perfectly see that newborn baby staring at her with her little ocean eyes. She could feel the warmth of her little body, even remember what it was like to have the baby inside of her. She knew that Karolina would be a teenager now, obviously. But seeing what that little human she left behind had become, how much she had grown and being reminded of all that she had lost not only opened the wound, but made it deeper. More painful. It bled and twisted Clarke on the inside as much as when she gave Karolina away.

 

Karolina. Even her name had been changed. Clarke knew that was bound to happen and that was a beautiful name, but it was another reminder that the girl in front of her had grown up to be a different person than the one she would have been if she was raised by Clarke. She still hoped Karolina would have _something_ of her. But she doubted it.

  
“Yes.” Clarke replied softly.

  
“You seem… Pretty young.” Karolina said with a bit on her lower lip. “Is that why you…?” She couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence. Clarke shivered, swallowing back her tears.

 

“It wasn’t my choice. Not completely…” She sighed. How would she explain it? Not even she could bring herself to believe she had done that. “It was Senior year. My mom kept pressuring me… I couldn’t just… Let you vanish at the start so I had to give you away at the ending…” She couldn’t hold it back anymore so she broke down right in front of Karolina, tears streaming down her face as she sobbed. The teenager froze, unsure of what to do. She had so many questions and even a little bit of anger, but she couldn’t let that come over the empathy that came over her. Seeing anyone cry always made Karolina weak, it always reminded her of all the times she cried alone in her room, unable to call for help. Unable to let people see beyond her bright and positive façade.

 

She got up, wrapping her arms around Clarke, hugging her tight.

 

“I’m sorry, Karolina… I’m so sorry…” Clarke sobbed into her shoulder. “I didn’t want to… I…”

 

“Shh…” Karolina shushed her softly, caressing her back. Aside from the awkwardness of the situation and the questions running wild in her mind, it was oddly comforting to have someone who was supposed to be her parent actually caring that much about her. Actually regretting a decision that involved her. In all her 16 years of life, she couldn’t remember a moment where Leslie had apologized for putting her own interests over hers, or even a moment where she broke down the same way Clarke was doing. So raw and human. So _real._ Not a perfect porcelain doll who could never allow herself to make a mistake or assume when she made one.

 

It took Clarke a few minutes to calm down, but slowly, Karolina realized that her breathing was back to normal, her heart beating slower while she gradually stopped sobbing. She pulled away from the woman gently, her face was all red and her eyes swollen. Clarke seemed to be embarrassed by it, running her hands through her eyes in an attempt to dry them.

 

“I’m sorry. I totally lost control there…”Karolina shook her head.

 

“It’s okay. Do you wanna go wash your face?”

 

Clarke nodded.

 

“I’ll be back in a second…” She said, getting up to go to the bathroom. Instead of going straight to wash her face, however, she got her phone, calling Lexa who picked up right away. She needed to hear her voice, even if just a bit.

 

“Clarke? Is everything okay in there?”

 

“I would love to have an answer to that…” She chuckled. “But I don’t know… I’ve already cried in front of her and she… She held me. But I don’t know if it was out of pity.”

 

“I don’t think so, Clarke. Why would she feel pity?” Clarke shrugged.

  
“Her birth mother looking for her after 16 years and breaking down completely just because she asked if the reason I gave her away was because I was too young?” She sighed longly. “I feel as if I started it all wrong. I don’t know if this kid will want anything to do with me. She’s so beautiful, Lexa… Did I really make something that beautiful?”

 

“Does she look like you?”

  
“Actually… Yeah, a lo--”

  
“That’s why she’s so beautiful.” Clarke smiled widely. There was it. That’s why she had called Lexa.

 

“Thanks, my love.”

 

“Don’t worry… Now stop hiding in the bathroom and go face your daughter!”

  
“How do you know I’m in the bathroom?!”

 

“I know _you,_ Clarke. Now go!”

 

“Okay. Love you!”

 

“Love you too.”

  
They hung up and Clarke could finally bring herself to wash her face, taking a chance to redo her makeup. She was thankful she was not wearing too much eyeliner and such or her waterworks would have made her look like a panda.

 

*****  


Meanwhile, Karolina got up from her place, deciding to order a mocaccino. She still wasn’t sure of what she was supposed to feel. She did feel empathy towards Clarke. She wanted to comfort her, but that was her _mom._ She was supposed to feel much more than just that, wasn’t she? She should want nothing more than to take her pain away and let her know everything was gonna be okay, that they were together now. But she didn’t feel anything that deep. Clarke was a stranger and seeing how much that stranger seemed to love her, the last thing Karolina wanted was to disappoint her. Not only for Clarke, but for herself. She liked the idea of having a family again, one she could trust this time. She just didn’t know if she would ever be able to feel at peace around adults again.

 

Clarke came back with a cleaner face. She stopped on the way to order some coffee for herself, sitting back with Karolina after a few minutes.

  
“They never get it right, do they?” She asked, showing what the barista thought her name was. “ _Clock.”_

  
“Who’s even called Clock?!” Karolina asked, chuckling, turning her cup to check on the spelling of her own name. “ _Karolyn._ ”

 

“Could be worse. At least you’re not an object.” Clarke said. And it was an awful joke, but it did make Karolina laugh. Clarke mentally high fived herself.

 

“Yeah.” She smiled. “People always think my…” She breathed it in. She hated how scary it was whenever she needed to talk about her sexuality, or let it be known by a new person. She hoped it would get better with time. “Girlfriend’s name is Nicole…”

 

Clarke didn’t flinch. Instead, she smiled.

 

“Well, they always think my wife’s name is Alexa. I don’t blame them, though. Lexa is not a common name…”

 

Karolina smiled. Widely this time. Luna hadn’t told her much about Clarke’s life conditions, just that she wasn’t a serial killer and was qualified to safely meet her. But knowing that Clarke was gay like her, that she had _a wife_ gave her a feeling she couldn’t describe. Up until that point she hadn’t met anyone else like her. She had seen some girls holding hands with girls at school as well as boys with boys, but not people she knew by name. Just passersby . Their presence eventually would make her feel safer, but they were still like any other kid that passed by her everyday.

 

Clarke had _a wife._ She was a grown up woman who seemed to be successful in life, despite past mistakes and she was married to another woman. If Karolina didn’t know better, she would say sexuality was genetic and finally understand why she was like that.

 

“Is her full name Lexa?” Karolina asked, the smile still stuck on her face.

 

“No. It’s Alexandria.” Clarke chuckled. “Imagine how _that_ would turn out here!” They both laughed. “But what is your girlfriend’s actual name?”

 

Karolina’s face lit up as it always did whenever she thought about her.

 

“Nico… She’s really cool…” She looked down at her phone, smiling in a silly way. Clarke smiled widely, amazed by the fact her daughter was as much of a gay mess as she was.

 

“Do you wanna show me a picture of her?” She suggested, not only out of curiosity or the wish to bond, but there was a feeling of protectiveness growing in the bottom of her stomach. Especially because the best thing she had learned about Karolina so far was how kind she was.

 

“Yeah!” Karolina replied excitedly, taking her phone, showing Clarke a picture of her and a short goth asian girl. Karolina’s smile seemed to light up the entire picture while Nico’s expression was fierce. Clarke liked that.

 

“She’s really pretty… “ She said, smiling a little, looking up at Karolina who still stared at the phone, melted.

 

“Yeaah…” Clarke chuckled, knowing her daughter’s mind was somewhere else now. She decided to show her a picture of Lexa.

 

“This is my wife.” Karolina actually looked away from the picture with Nico curiously, but the silly smile didn’t leave her face. It was a different kind of silly now, though. Instead of melted, she looked as if Clarke had shown her a puppy.

 

“She’s pretty too… You two are so cute…” Karolina said, staring at the picture. Clarke wondered if she pictured a future like that to herself and Nico and how assuring it could be for a young gay girl to see a couple like her and Lexa. She had noticed Karolina’s hesitation about saying that Nico was her girlfriend. It reminded her of herself when she had her first crush in High School. She didn’t know what Karolina’s journey had been like, but she did remember how self acceptance and confidence was built slowly.

 

“Thank you.” Clarke answered with a smile.

 

“What is it like… Being married to a girl?” Karolina asked, her cheeks turning red.

  
“It’s still marriage…” Clarke said softly, giving Karolina a reassuring smile. “We’re usually at peace, we fight sometimes… We argue about stupid domestic things, but it doesn’t last five minutes. We cook for each other and snuggle and watch movies. Like any other couple.”

 

“Uhn… Do you guys go to church?” Karolina asked with a frown.

 

“...No…”

  
“Oh, thank God.” Karolina said, noticing the irony of her expression. Clarke smiled.

 

From then on, talking to each other became a little easier and after the initial awkwardness and tension was gone, they could actually engage with each other, finding another subject in common: art. The moment that box was opened, it felt like they were old friends. Not mother and daughter yet, but certainly old friends.

 

Eventually, it started getting late and the coffee place wasn’t gonna be open forever, so they decided to call it a night, Luna following them outside.

 

“Thanks for coming, Karolina…” Clarke said softly, taking her daughter’s hand and giving it a squeeze. The girl nodded.

 

“Thanks for looking for me…” She smiled. “And thank you too, Luna.”

 

“Sure. Seeing how things went tonight, if you two decide to meet again, I don’t think I’ll need to be around anymore… Just contact me if either of you need anything, please!”

 

“I will… Thank you. I can’t thank you enough.” Said Clarke, pulling her friend to a tight hug. Karolina stood there a bit awkwardly, just waiting to say goodbye to Luna so she could go. Finally, when Clarke let her go, she thanked her and went to her own car. She didn’t turn it on yet, needing a few minutes to let everything that had happened that night settle in her mind.

 

Clarke sat in her car as well, texting Lexa to warn her she was going home. She took a few deep breaths, smiling to herself. Karolina was amazing. She didn’t know what she had expected for Lucy to be, but she was even better. Despite the name change, she was still light.

 

Clarke’s phone buzzed and she decided to check just before she turned her car on, figuring it’d be a reply from Lexa. Instead, her heart pounded with the name in the screen.

 

_Karolina._

 

She opened the text anxiously.

 

“ _So, when can we do this again?”_


	2. Breathe

Clarke didn’t know how she drove home while being so overwhelmed by a mix of nostalgia, sadness, excitement and love. So much love.

 

It was a strange kind of love. At the same time she had never stopped loving Lucy, Karolina was a whole different person, not a blank page about to have her story written, but a story that was already started. And Clarke knew almost nothing of it. It was weird to love someone she knew almost nothing about, but somehow, she did. Now that she wasn’t breaking down over it, she could truly feel the impact that Karolina’s hug had on her. How warm and comforting it was and how much she had been craving it for all of these years.

 

At that moment, however, the only thing she craved was someone else’s hug. And the chance to properly tell her what had happened.

 

When Clarke walked into the penthouse, Lexa was already waiting for her, with two furry companions beside her. One of them was big and very fluffy, her fur colored in orange and her eyes as blue as Clarke’s. The other was a little bit smaller and her body had tones of black, orange and white, with a different color of spot in each of her green eyes. Their cats, Haught and Waverly.

 

“My girls…” Clarke said, smiling a little when she saw the three of them, throwing herself into Lexa’s arms and hugging her tight. She could feel Waverly rubbing herself on her legs, comforting her.

 

“Hey, love… How are you?” Lexa asked softly, caressing her wife’s hair gently. Clarke snuggled closer, hiding her head in the crook of her neck, taking in Lexa’s scent. The smell of familiarity and peace.

 

“I’m… Overwhelmed is the only word I can think of..” She chuckled with no humor. “But it was good. It was _really_ good to see her.” She looked up at Lexa who took a hand to caress her cheek gently. She always loved the feeling of Clarke’s cheek against her palm. She had some big, soft cheeks that always felt warm.

 

“I’m glad…” Lexa said, nodding with a smile. “I made you some cupcakes, by the way. Thought maybe you’d want to stuff your face into one after tonight.”

 

“Oh, I love you so much!” Clarke said, her face lightening up a bit. “Let’s get them. I can tell you how the night was with a bit more detail.”

 

“Sure!”

 

They headed to the kitchen where Lexa’s cupcakes waited for her, sitting cutely on a tray. Neither Clarke or Lexa were excellent cooks or bakers, but they were both good at making certain things and Lexa’s cupcakes were one of them, always soft and moist, the icing always in the right consistency. For that night, she baked some chocolate ones with white chocolate icing and some red velvets.

 

“They look amazing, babe!” Clarke said, opening the fridge to get herself some coke, taking a red velvet.

 

“Thanks. Hope they taste as good.” Clarke smiled in response, sitting by the kitchen’s table with Lexa on her side. She placed a hand on her wife’s leg, rubbing it gently.

 

“Hey, they always do.” Lexa nodded at that returning Clarke’s smile as she put a hand over hers and caressed it,

 

“So, wanna tell me everything in details?” She suggested, leaving some space for her wife to think and talk.

 

“She loves Art, Lexa… Can you believe she loves Art?” Clarke said once she swallowed, her eyes sparkling in a daydreaming expression. “I didn’t expect for her to have something that is such a huge part of me…” Lexa squeezed her hand.

 

“I’m glad you two had something so special to talk about.” Clarke nodded.

 

“Yes! And she is so smart… She knew so much about it already.” She smiled widely. “Also, she has a girlfriend.” She was proud. She hadn’t realize how proud she was of Karolina for being brave enough to talk about it earlier, but now she did.

 

“Aww. That’s cute... “ Lexa said, smiling a bit. “Sounds like you two got along…”

 

“Well, after I was done breaking down in front of her.” Clarke laughed. “It went better than expected… She…” She smiled widely, getting her phone to show her wife the text Karolina had sent last.  “She wants to see me again. Can you believe that? She wants to see me again!” Clarke’s face was a mix of all kinds of emotions and Lexa could say she was trying to hold it back and not cry over the fact Karolina had actually liked her. She knew all of Clarke’s expressions and nonverbal cues so she held her hand firmer, containing her own emotions over seeing her wife like that.

 

“Maybe you could take her to a museum next.” She suggested, to which Clarke nodded happily.

 

“That would be perfect! Maybe you could come. I can ask Karolina if she would like that.”

 

“Maybe… But I can wait. Give it time, love.” Lexa said calmly, letting go of Clarke’s hand so she could hold her leg instead, since it had been bouncing up and down all that time and Clarke didn’t even realize.

 

“Right, right. Maybe I shouldn’t put the carriage before the horses.”

 

****  
  
The Dean’s mansion could feel incredibly lonely now that Karolina had the house all to herself. Sometimes it was hard to sleep for she felt as if the walls were closing around her, swallowing her into the nightmare she had been living in. She hated the place now, given everything that it represented. All the lies. All the time she had wasted in her room, meditating to the sound of her mother’s voice, being tricked into thinking she had been connecting to something beautiful and holy. Something that would actually make her feel good after a long day. Something that didn’t even exist.

 

She could still connect to something beautiful and holy, however, whenever Nico was there waiting for her and that was one of those nights. She was in Karolina’s room, laying with her belly down on her bed, her eyes glued to some book about Wicca. Karolina smiled a bit at the sight, noticing her girlfriend did not listen to her coming, or pretended she didn’t. She approached, laying beside Nico and pulling the smaller girl to herself, making Nico _giggle_ . The kind of sound she would never, ever do in front of anyone else. But enough to lift the weight out of Karolina’s chest a bit.   
  
Nico turned to face her, caressing her hair sweetly.

 

“Hey, there.”

 

“Hey…” Karolina answered, melting into Nico’s caresses.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Karolina shrugged.

 

“I don’t know what to say. Clarke is… She’s sort of amazing. But I… I can’t stop thinking that they hid even _this_ from me, you know? Nico… Sometimes I can’t believe it happened, but… But at least hiding the whole cult thing made _sense._ Not telling your child she is adopted is just… It’s selfish. It’s so selfish.” She hid her face in the crook of Nico’s neck, letting herself cry. That should be just another stone on the pile of lies their parents had been telling them and she felt stupid for letting it affect her that much, but she just couldn’t understand _why_ . Did Leslie like to pretend Karolina was hers because of how useful she was to her? What was the point of hiding that? What if she had known and decided to look for Clarke earlier? Would they have developed a relationship? Would that have helped Karolina when it came to figuring how she felt about girls? There were so, _so_ many questions to which she would never have an answer to.

 

“Leslie being selfish? Who would’ve thought?” Nico said, caressing her girlfriend’s hair sweetly. People would have thought that was insensitive to say at that moment, but Karolina actually smiled a little. Nico could be so salty, but she was honest. She would always be honest and that had turned into a quality Karolina praised a lot.

 

“I know… I just wasn’t expecting another lie when everything was supposed to be over.” Karolina said, cleaning her eyes and pulling apart a bit so she could properly look at Nico from above. Nico nodded, leaning up to peck her girlfriend’s face, then each of her eyes, gently helping her clean her ears with her index finger.

 

“I know, babe. I’m sorry you have to go through this among everything else.” She said, pecking Karolina’s nose. Her girlfriend nodded, placing her forehead against Nico’s, caressing her cheek.

 

“Thanks for being here, by the way.”

 

“Hey, no need to. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I wasn’t?” Karolina smiled, taking a deep breath.

 

“So… She and I look a lot like each other. She’s an actual artist… And she’s married to a woman.” Karolina said, gathering some strength to focus on the good part about all of that. “I wanna meet her again.”

 

“Oh! That all sounds good…” Nico said, smiling a bit. “Would you like me to come next time? Give you some moral support?” She offered, rubbing her girlfriend’s arm as they pulled apart just a little to properly look at each other’s faces as they talked.

 

“Yes. Actually, I’d really like that… I’ll just ask Clarke if she’d matter.”

 

“No worries.” Nico said, smiling a little more. “Why don’t you go take a shower? We can cuddle the way you like after you’re done…”

 

“I’d really appreciate that…” Karolina said quietly, pecking her girlfriend’s lips before getting up so she could get some clothes and head to the shower.

 

She let the water run down her body silently, allowing herself to put her head into place and think about what would happen from now on. Did she want to have a relationship with Clarke? And what kind? She wasn’t sure if she would be able to call someone else ‘mom’. That word had meant so much to her during most of her life, until it suddenly shattered. She wasn’t ready to associate that word with someone again.

 

When she left the bathroom, Nico was already laying down properly on the bed, looking tiny and cute under the sheet. She smiled widely when her eyes met with Karolina’s, opening her arms for her to cuddle in. Karolina laid down happily, letting her girlfriend spoon her. A habit that was born while they were on the run, daily snuggling in the van. Karolina had always felt protected, happy in between Nico’s arms, even if she was much bigger than her.

 

They didn’t take long to crash that way.

 

****  
  
Clarke took at least a whole noon researching on what kind of Art Expos were available in LA. She had a feeling Karolina would be interested in most of them, but the Queer Art Expo was the one that resonated with her the most. Lexa agreed it was a good choice. Now all Clarke had to do was text Karolina about it.

 

They sat on the couch, the cats around them. Clarke had been facing her phone for at least three minutes, bouncing her leg up and down, while Lexa traced patterns on her back to try and calm her down.

 

“Love… She already said she wants to see you again…” Lexa said softly. Clarke nodded in response.

 

“I know. I just…” She sighed. She knew Lexa was right, but her fingers seemed to disobey her, unable to touch the damn phone screen and text. Lexa took the phone from Clarke’s hand gently, smiling at her.

 

“Okay… Do you want me to do it? Just tell me what to write.” Clarke nodded, laying her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

 

“Thank you, love.”

 

“No need to.” She smiled, opening Clarke’s conversation with Karolina on the screen. “What do I write?”

 

“Hey, Karolina. I hope you’re doing well. I was wondering if you’d like to come to a Queer Art Expo this weekend. Let me know!” Lexa typed as Clarke spoke, showing the message to her and sending upon approval.

 

Karolina took about two minutes to answer. Two minutes that felt like two hours to Clarke. Wasn’t she a teen? Didn’t they have their phones in hand _all the time?!_

 

“Clarke? She replied.” Lexa warned, rubbing her wife’s back softly again, unable to ignore how fast she was breathing. Clarke nodded, biting her lower lip, taking a deep breath.

  
“Okay, what does it say?” Lexa showed her the screen.

 

“ _Wow, I’ve never seen anything like that. Yeah, I’d love to. But I was wondering, is it okay if I bring Nico?”_

 

“Oh! Oh, she said yes!” Clarke smiled widely, pulling Lexa to a tight hug, which she corresponded happily.

 

“Of course she did!”

 

“Thanks for the help, love… I think I can take it from here.” Lexa nodded, pecking Clarke’s lips longly and giving her the phone back.

 

“You’re welcome.”

  
“By the way, would you like to come? Since Karolina is bringing Nico…”

  
“Yeah, sure. If she doesn’t mind.”   
  
She didn’t.

 

****

 

The Expo was really interesting and different from anything Karolina had ever seen. She didn’t have enough contact with this new world yet, a world she was supposedly a part of, but that at the same time, felt like something distant. Not a part of her reality.

 

There were all kinds of Art depicting different kinds of queer experiences. Karolina was particularly fascinated by the ones that showed what gender dysphoria was like, she knew too little about trans people. She wondered if she _should_ know more about it.

 

“This is a good one…” Nico pointed out once they stopped in front of a picture that was more of a sign. It was painted in watercolor, colored in dark pink, purple and blue with lettered words saying “ _We exist”._ Clarke smiled a little at that, nodding at the short girl.

  
“It is, isn’t it?”

 

The four of them were getting along well so far. Clarke and Lexa were the first to arrive, but it didn’t take long for Karolina and Nico to get there, their hands intertwined with each other. Clarke would have thought Nico was sort of intimidating but she had been with someone who caused the same kind of impression long enough to have a feeling Nico was likely a softie on the inside. She couldn’t help but notice how much Karolina and Nico’s styles clashed completely, Karolina wearing a cute white blouse and a pink skirt, while Nico was all dressed in dark colors rocking a goth style, the same way she was when Clarke saw her picture at the coffee shop. Seemed like it wasn’t a one time thing. They had all introduced themselves and proceeded into the museum, where they had been for a while now. Nico and Lexa were mostly quiet, letting Clarke and Karolina talk about the Art, but that simple watercolor had truly resonated with Nico.

 

“Yeah…” She gave Clarke the glimpse of a smile, nodding. “This whole Expo is pretty cool, though. I usually get kind of bored in museums, but this is cool…” Clarke smiled.

 

“Well, I’m glad for that. Karolina is lucky to have someone supporting her so much even if it’s not your kind of thing…”

 

“She’s…” Nico took a deep breath. “She’s been through a lot. We all have. But she’s always been the kindest of us. I can’t let her get hurt again.” Clarke nodded. Not taking it as a threat. She didn’t know what Nico was talking about in details, only that their parents had been arrested. She didn’t expect for her to reveal anything just like that either, but she hoped to get to know Karolina’s story with time.

“I understand.” She answered simply. They remained in silence for a couple of minutes, looking at the picture, until Nico broke it again.

 

“Please, don’t let her down.” Clarke didn’t truly had a way to answer that, except for a nod. Making promises wouldn’t be enough for either of them. Not even for herself.

 

“Hey, guys! You gotta see this picture!” Karolina interrupted the conversation, looking excited. Nico dismissed the conversation with Clarke, smiling a bit at her girlfriend and taking her hand.

 

“Sure! What is it?” She gave Clarke one last glance, before letting Karolina pull her along.

 

“Fierce kid, isn’t she?” Lexa asked, coming out of God knows where, making Clarke jump a bit.

 

“Where were you?!”

 

“Bathroom…” Lexa shrugged. “Come on, let’s see what Karolina wants to show us!”

 

The picture was quite simple, the silhouette of two girls holding hands, with their backs turned to their point of view. They were walking down a path that stood in the middle of trees and flowers, like a park and there was a rainbow shining above their heads. But what was most beautiful about said picture was the usage of light and shadows, illuminating certain parts of the girls and the nature around them, making their joined hands the most important part of the picture.

 

“Wow, this is really pretty!” Clarke said, smiling. Karolina nodded excitedly.

 

“Isn’t it? Light and shadow is one of my favorite things… I aim to be the kind of artist to master this well…”

 

“I feel like Clarke could give you some tips. She made a picture of our cats under the sun once that was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen…” Lexa commented, caressing her wife’s back, making Clarke smile.

 

“Thank you, love…” She answered, pecking Lexa’s cheek, hugging her sideways. Karolina stared at them fascinated, unable to contain her own smile at how tender they were with each other.

 

“That sounds nice.” Karolina finally said.

 

“Yeah! As a matter of fact, we have a studio at home…” Clarke bit her lower lip. It was sort of a stretch but she needed to move forward. “Would you like to come see it someday?”

 

Nico watched the three of them silently, almost suspiciously, but remained quiet, Karolina exchanging a glance with her.

 

“You can bring her. It would be a pleasure to us.” Lexa added, smiling a bit.

 

“Okay!” Karolina smiled. “Yeah, I’d love to. Nico?”

 

“Sure.”

 

****  
  
After they were done with the expo, the four of them headed to a burger place for lunch, Clarke and Lexa promising to pay it all for the girls. Clarke and Karolina gushed about the art for a while, their partners silently watching them talk, Nico observing everyone as she held Karolina’s hand under the table. The way Lexa stared at Clarke while she talked was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. She wondered if that was how she looked at Karolina when she wasn’t noticing, or vice versa.

 

“So you guys have cats?” Karolina asked once they changed the subject.

 

“Two of them!” Clarke said excitedly, getting her phone to show them some pictures. “The big one is Haught and the smaller one is Waverly!”

 

“Aaaah, so cute!” Karolina bounced, smiling widely. “I love cats! Nico, look at them!”

 

“Yeah, they’re pretty cute…” Nico said, smiling a little. “Molly would also love them!”

 

“I know, right?”

  
“Do you guys have any pets?” Asked Lexa, smiling a bit, but both Karolina and Nico shook their heads.

 

“Mom never really liked them much.” Nico said, making a face. “Dad used to want a dog when we were young but…”

 

“We? You have siblings?” Clarke asked, smiling a bit, but regretted instantly when Nico looked down.

 

“Well, I _had_ a sister…” Karolina instantly let her hand go so she could caress her back. “She passed away last year.” She said quietly, looking up at Clarke and Lexa.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Clarke said, sighing.

 

“It’s okay.” Nico nodded. “But yeah, no pets.”

 

“Though now that they can’t really tell us what to do anymore, I kinda want one.” Karolina said with a little smile, but Nico tilted her head, staring curiously at her girlfriend.

 

“You do?”

 

“Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe.”

 

“Well, either way, I think you’ll like our cats, then. Haught can be a bit grumpy at first, but she’s really easy to get by once you play with her! Waverly is more cuddly!” Clarke said, chuckling a little. Lexa agreed.

 

They talked a bit more about the cats and their house and the girls talked about their own houses, both Clarke and Lexa surprised and slightly scared that a system like Wizey existed. They also talked about school and work briefly, because no one really wants to talk much about that. However, it was noticeable to Clarke that Karolina suffered a bit of bullying and just thinking about it made her blood boil. The more she talked to her, the more she realized what a sweet, compassionate person she seemed to be and even if she didn’t raise her, she was still proud of the person she had become.

 

They moved on to things they enjoyed doing in their free time and Clarke and Lexa ended up recommending some shows with good queer characters and ships, also explaining where their cats’ names came from. Their burgers had been over for a while now, but neither of them really wanted to go home for a while, so they ended up spending the rest of the noon there, finally noticing the sun was getting less shiny and it was time to go.

 

“We meet again soon?” Clarke asked Karolina softly. The younger girl nodded, smiling at her mom.

 

“Yeah. I’d really like to come to your house.”

 

“It’ll be a pleasure to have you.” Clarke smiled a bit, a gesture Karolina retrieved, approaching her for a long hug.

 

It wasn’t that she wanted to give in easily like that. She still wasn’t sure if she could trust Clarke or not. they had met _twice_ , so she shouldn’t allow herself to be so naive. But she couldn’t deny Clarke was everything Leslie never was. Warm, nice and actually seemed to care about what Karolina had to say and while she still wasn’t sure if she would ever love Clarke as a daughter, maybe, _maybe_ she could love her as a friend.

 

Clarke melted into Karolina’s arms, not expecting that spontaneous, warm hug. It felt very different from the first time she hugged her, for she didn’t wish to bring Clarke any sort of comfort, she simply wanted to hold her. Feel a connexion.

 

They let go after a while, Clarke smiling widely, gently taking a lock of Karolina’s hair out of her face and placing it behind her ear.

 

“I’ll call you soon for that visit, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, darlings. I hope you all enjoyed that chapter! Please keep on commenting, your feedback has given me SO MUCH INSPIRATION to keep on! You're all amazing! <3


	3. Shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies :3  
> This chapter is a little bit shorter, but hopefully you'll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It may answer one little question some of you have been asking ;)
> 
> Enjoy!

“Clarke, please sit down. For thirty seconds, at least.” Lexa stated, watching her wife frantically walking around the house. Clarke usually wasn’t very organized on her daily life, but she was on a roll that night, making sure everything was tidy and perfect for Karolina’s visit. Haught watched them from her spot on the cat shelf above the couch, the ‘judging cat’ look on her face.

 

“Don’t give me that look!” Clarke told the cat who meowed in complaint, but then noticing Lexa had her arms crossed and stared at her pretty much the same way as the cat did, Clarke sighed, sitting down at the couch.

 

“Okay… Okay, I’m sitting…” She took a deep breath, Lexa sitting beside her and gently rubbing her back.

  
“It’s all gonna work out, okay? We’re gonna have a good day. And she’s gonna like our cats… And your cookies...”

 

“Oh, shit, the cookies!” Clarke got up, running to the kitchen so she could open the oven. She was so busy moving around frantically she forgot the damn cookies were in the oven and while Lexa was busy organizing some stuff, she had forgotten as well. Clarke didn’t really wanna look at them, afraid they were gonna be overcooked or worse, burnt. But unfortunately, looking was the only way to know.

 

She got them out carefully. The smell invading the whole apartment. Right on time. Thank God.

 

“Clarke, they look amazing…” Lexa said, smiling widely as she entered the kitchen, rubbing her wife’s back. Clarke smiled proudly, nodding at her.

 

“They do, don’t they? Oh, God, I really thought they were gonna be overcooked…”

 

“See? I’m telling you. It’s all gonna work out just fine today, love…” Lexa’s voice was soft as she wrapped her arms around her wife, pulling Clarke close to herself and pecking her cheek. Clarke smiled a bit, turning in Lexa’s arms so she was facing her, wrapping her own arms around her waist.

 

“Thanks for being so patient with me through all of this…” Lexa smiled softly, pecking Clarke’s nose.

 

“You don’t need to thank me… I know how hard this is for you, love.”

 

“Well, then I guess I’m just lucky.” Clarke whispered, starting to spread soft kisses around Lexa’s face. Lexa closed her eyes, making a happy noise, which sounded very much like a cat purr.

  
“We both are…”

 

****

It didn’t take long for Karolina and Nico to arrive so the house was still smelling like cookies when they did and so was the elevator hall.

 

“Holy shit, this smells so good!” Nico said, sniffing the air as they approached the door to ring the doorbell. Karolina nodded with a soft smile.

 

“It really does…” She frowned for a moment. “I don’t think Leslie ever baked _me_ cookies… She would always make a pie or bake something when we had Gibb meetings but…” Nico grimaced, caressing her arm.

 

“I’m sorry… My mom was never keen to do it either, but Amy…” She looked down, the glimpse of a smile passing through her face. “We tried making muffins once but we burned them. It was really frustrating but… The whole experience was fun…” Karolina nodded, taking Nico’s hand and squeezing it as she intertwined their fingers. Nico would bring up memories like that every so often and as much as it broke Karolina’s heart to see her girlfriend’s face grow so sad after sharing it, she knew it helped. To be able to talk about it. To get some comfort out of it. Nico had been alone for way too long.

 

“I’m okay.” Nico said silently. “Let’s do this!” Karolina nodded, taking a deep breath and ringing the doorbell. After a couple of seconds, Clarke opened the door, with a small calico cat at her heels, staring curiously at them, sniffing the air.

 

“Hello, girls! Please come in!” She said with a wide smile, letting the girls come into the house. “Waverly, no!” She told the cat, picking Waverly up since she was already getting out to take a walk in the hall. Karolina laughed a little.

  
“What a curious kitty!”

 

“Oh, yes. You can’t open the door!” Clarke said, laughing a bit. “This is Waverly…” Karolina approached, letting the animal sniff the back of her hand, before gently caressing her forehead. Waverly stared at her a bit scared for a second, but then decided she was a good human, closing her eyes to her caresses.

 

“Oh, such a pretty girl!” Karolina said in a silly voice, giggling. Clarke smiled widely, watching her daughter play with the cat. She looked happy and relaxed and that seemed to take a bit of the weight Clarke had felt over that visit. Thank God for cats.

 

“Don’t you wanna pet her, Nico? She’s a really nice cat…” Clarke asked the shorter girl who watched Karolina and the cat, as quiet as ever. She nodded, letting Waverly sniff her the same way her girlfriend had done, starting to caress her, taking her hand under her chin. The cat purred, raising her head to give Nico more space. She smiled widely.

 

“I think I’m in love…”

 

“Oh, Waves is charming you two already!” Lexa said as she entered the living room, cookie tray in hand, placing them over the dining room table, which was all set.  “There’s coffee, hot milk and tea… You take whatever you like!”

 

“Woah, these cookies look amazing!” Karolina said, smiling widely. “And so do those cupcakes!”

 

“The cookies were made by me, but cupcakes are Lexa’s!” Clarke said proudly, smiling a bit. “Why don’t we all sit and eat?”

 

Karolina agreed and Nico nodded so Clarke let the cat go, heading to the table and sitting beside her wife.

 

“Cookies are still warm, by the way.”

 

“Awesome!” Karolina said, getting one and serving herself with some milk and coffee, adding in three spoonfuls of sugar. Clarke made sure to take a mental note of that, while Nico served herself with nothing but black coffee. Fierce. Like Lexa.

 

Karolina bit in the cookie, which was moist on the inside, crunchy on the outside, the chocolate chips melting inside her mouth. The mix of texture, flavor and smell was delicious, even better and stronger because it was warm, and she couldn’t remember the last time she had such a good cookie.

 

“This is amazing!” She said with a wide smile. Clarke mentally high fived herself.

 

“I’m glad you like it, dear! You can eat as many as you want!” Karolina nodded, eating her cookie happily. There was something extremely heartwarming about having someone else cook for you. It was the kind of thing humans had been doing for ages, to give each other food as a sort of gift, but Karolina never had anyone doing that for her so she didn’t really realize how special it could make her feel up until that moment. Clarke had made those cookies _for her_. Those delicious warm cookies. To give her a little bit of happiness.

 

Maybe people didn’t really realize how miserable they used to be until something that was actually good happened to them.

 

Clarke watched Karolina silently, a little smile on her face. She was trying to memorize the kinds of clothes she was wearing so maybe futurely she could give her a gift. The three times they had met Karolina was in some sort of skirt or dress, so it was safe to say she liked those. Plus, LA’s weather was usually hot so those seemed like a good bet. She was also always in bright or light colors, opposite to her ‘always dresses in black’ girlfriend. As for jewelry, she would always wear golden delicate necklaces as well as a silver bracelet with little triangles all over it. She never seemed to change it, even if she changed the rest of her jewelry.

“Meow!” Haught sat on the floor beside Karolina, watching her with her big feline eyes, her meowing getting Clarke off of her trance.

 

“Hi!” Karolina told the cat, giggling a bit. “Why are you staring at me?”

  
“She always does that when we eat… Just ignore her!” Lexa said, laughing a bit. “You can give her some cat appropriated treats later!”

 

“Oh, I’d love that!” Karolina said, smiling.

 

They kept on eating the cookies and chatting for a while more and once they were done, Clarke and Lexa decided to give them a tour around the house. It wasn’t huge and fancy like what they were used to, but it was well decorated and organized. Upon reaching Clarke and Lexa’s room, it was clear which side belonged to which and Karolina found it pretty cute. Even if Clarke’s side was messier.

 

More than aesthetically pleasing, that whole place felt warm and lovingly. There was love spreaded all over the place in the form of paintings made by Clarke herself on the walls, how clean and organized everything was. The board on the fridge stating each of their chores. The other board on the fridge where they’d write each other cute messages. It felt as if they both did their best to make sure their house was a home to the both of them and a home they could share and feel the same happiness. Karolina didn’t think she had ever felt so comfortable in a new place like she did there, even Nico shared that feeling.

 

It was also really cute how catified their house was. There was a big cat tree in the living room, some cat shelves in different rooms, window shelves for them to sit on and watch the outside. A cat fountain in the kitchen and some more water bowls spreaded in strategic places in the house. It made it all even warmer and kinder.

 

The room Karolina liked the most, however, was Clarke’s studio. It was the most illuminated room in the house and there was Art spreaded all over the light blue walls. The easel sat in the middle of the room and there were a few cabinets and shelves with art supplies. There was also a table with a computer and a drawing tablet sitting in front of it.

 

“This is so cool!” She said, her eyes sparkling as a wide smile sat on her face. Clarke smiled widely, nodding happily.

 

“Thank you… Would you like to see some of my stuff?”

 

“Yeah!”

 

Lexa smiled a bit as she watched the two of them, gently placing a hand on Nico’s shoulder and whispering.

 

“Don’t you wanna play with the cats a little?” Nico grimaced. She knew Lexa was right and it would be good to let Clarke and Karolina have a private moment, but she couldn’t help her need of protecting her girlfriend. She sighed, however, giving one more look to mother and daughter and how fascinated Karolina seemed to be about Clarke’s work.

 

“Yeah, sure.” Nico replied, nodding. “Karolina! We’ll be right back.” She warned. Karolina nodded at her with a little smile, watching as she left with Lexa.

 

“Hey, uhn… Have you ever made anything… About me?” She asked Clarke, taking the chance that they were alone. She trusted Nico, of course, but she didn’t wanna expose Clarke if it was the kind of thing she was really private about.

 

Clarke’s expression shifted, getting a little more serious and melancholic. She smiled weakly, without saying a word, going to open one of the cabinets and pulling up a folder which she handed to Karolina.

 

The drawings were all of a blonde person, which was first a baby, then a toddler, a child and so on. She wasn’t faceless, but her features weren’t well defined either, she kind of looked like Clarke. She was always painted in watercolor, the colors seeming to escape from her and glow all over the pages. It was beautiful, almost poetic, but somehow, those paintings also carried a sensation of melancholy.

 

“This is… Wow.” Karolina couldn’t put her thoughts or feelings into place at that moment, but she suddenly had an urge to cry. She wondered if she had craved for Clarke’s love all of her life as much as Clarke did for hers. Even if she didn’t know anything about that. She had always tried to connect with Leslie. It was easy to fall into her beliefs and dogmas when all she truly wanted was to be close to her mother. Meditating to her voice had always been soothing because it was the closest she got to being comforted by her.

 

“Thank you…” Clarke said quietly. “You were always so full of color and life in my head… I couldn’t ever paint you in any other way…” Karolina smiled a little, staring a little more at the last drawing. Which was number 16.

 

“Wait…” She glanced at the bottom of the paper for the signature, which had a date. Realizing something, she made sure to check on the dates for every drawing. “You made these on my birthday…”

 

“Yes…” Clarke bit her lower lip. “I’ve always wondered what I’d do if I could give you a party. What kinds of themes you’d like, what you’d wear… What I’d give you as a gift…” She looked up at Karolina, seeming to come back to Earth. “I hope you had good birthday parties…”

 

“I did…” She smiled a little. “I can’t say my parents got that so wrong, even if they would invite people from the church I hardly knew…” She frowned, grimacing. “But they would always let me wear the prettiest dresses and themes… I didn’t have many friends to invite, but I’ve always had my little group. With Nico and our other friends…”

 

“Oh! So you’ve known Nico your whole life?”

 

“Pretty much…” She smiled. “We used to be best friends… But uhn… When her sister died two years ago, things got weird between us. And the rest of the group. We kinda fell apart... “

 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Clarke said, biting her lower lip.

 

“It’s okay. We kinda got back together… In some bad circumstances, but we did…” Clarke nodded. She didn’t wanna force Karolina into talking about something she didn’t want to, but seeing the pain that went through her daughter’s eyes upon saying that made her heart sink. She took one of Karolina’s hands gently into hers, rubbing the back of it with her thumb.

 

“If there’s ever anything you wanna talk about, you can come to me, okay?” Karolina nodded, squeezing Clarke’s hand.

 

“Thank you.” Karolina smiled a bit, looking around, getting away from Clarke and carefully putting the folder on the table, before she took a stool and sat in front of the easel. Clarke watched curiously, furrowing her eyebrows. “I figure since you spent so much time drawing an idea of me… Maybe you could want to draw the real me for a change.”

 

Clarke froze, overtaken by emotion. She had imagined that scene so many times it felt surreal that it was actually happening. She needed a moment to take a deep breath and swallow back some tears.

 

“I’d love that…”

 

Clarke drawed her as carefully as possible, making sure she would capture every little detail, especially her eyes and smile. As she stared at her daughter and let her hand roam free on the paper, memories of her being alone through most of her life, locked inside a room on Karolina’s birthday ran through her mind. The pain of making each of the drawings through all of those years seeming to subside, replaced by the warmth of hope. Hope that most of all, took the shape of Karolina’s smile. The watercolors had never seemed to spread as much as it did now.

 

Karolina watched Clarke paint, trying not to change her expression or move too much. But while her body remained stiff, her mind kept going wild. She thought about everything she had absorbed, about how Clarke kept thinking about her and _craving_ to give her a birthday party. She wondered if her parties would have been simpler, but also about how her mom wouldn’t drop her with her friends and go socialize with other people so much. That she would have a homemade cake and sweets, like those cookies from before. That perhaps, instead of having art made _about_ her, she would receive art made _for_ her.

 

She admired Clarke. She couldn’t even begin to think of how hard it would have been to have that feeling for so long. To crave for a kind of love she couldn’t get any other way. It made Clarke’s mom sound incredibly cruel, making her daughter give up on something she loved so much, and that made her miserable most of her life.

Because yes, she did believe Clarke loved her. It was strange and irrational, coming from a person who had known her for such little time, but she had been loving her since the first day.

 

And maybe, maybe Karolina could give her a chance.

 

Maybe she could love her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to describe the way Clarke draws Karolina kiinda like how she's drawn in the comics when she's glowing, the colors spreading and stuff. If you guys have seen any images/read them, you may know what I'm talking about and I hope you could kinda see it that way!


	4. Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys! I'm so sorry for the delay in releasing this chapter :((. I've been in a crisis for months thinking I wasn't good enough to write and to finish anything that is not a oneshot >.<. Anxiety issues and all... But I'm back! And I certainly hope to keep delivering chapters faster!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and please leave a comment if you enjoy this chapter. Your support always keeps me going!
> 
> Btw, this chapter has some spoilers for the beggining of the game Until Dawn.
> 
> Now, onto the chapter. FINALLY!

Lexa went to peek on what Clarke and Karolina were doing, since they seemed to be taking a while, so she opened the door to the studio as slowly and silently as possible. Upon finding the image of her wife painting her daughter, she couldn’t help but smile for a brief moment, then go away again. It looked as if that was going way better than Lexa expected and she could only be thankful for that. She never told Clarke about her concerns over the girls’ visit and kept trying to be as positive as possible about it, but in reality, she had been a little afraid that her wife would end up disappointed with it. 

 

But now, she was hopeful. And it was too early to tell what would happen in the future, but she wondered what it would be like to bring Karolina into their lives. And Nico as well. Nico was part of the package. She didn’t really expect for her to move in, but she did expect a lot of sleepovers.

 

The both of them seemed to be great, especially for teenagers, but of course it would be a change in their lives. Sometimes changes were scary, but other times, they were good. And Lexa had a feeling this would be a good one. Like when they brought the cats in, they required care and some arrangements in the house, but all they did was add up to the family, make Clarke and Lexa happier. 

 

And Clarke looked so genuinely happy as she was painting Karolina. She had seen that look on her face a couple of times, but the one she remembered the most was when she proposed: happiness spreaded all over her, her eyes expressing not only joy, but also hope for a beautiful future.

 

“So… Is everything okay in there?” Nico asked, showing up behind Lexa who could have been startled, but she usually heard when people were coming from behind, so she just turned with a little smile and her face completely calm.

 

“It’s great. Clarke is painting a portrait of her…”

 

“Oh…” Nico nodded, looking as if she didn’t know how to react to that. 

 

“I promise they’re gonna be fine.” Lexa said, reassuringly. Nico nodded again, biting her lower lip.

 

“I just…”

 

“It’s not so easy for you to trust people, is it?” Nico frowned, looking up at her and shrugging a bit. It was Lexa’s time to nod. She knew what that felt like.

 

“I understand… But why don’t we distract ourselves a bit while we wait?” Lexa suggested, smiling a bit. Nico kept quiet for a moment, but then let out a sigh.

“Okay… What can we do?”

 

“Well, Clarke and I have a PS4… Do you like playing video games?” Nico bit her lower lip. Yes. She loved them. She loved them because it was something she used to do with Amy a lot, but ever since she died, Nico couldn’t remember the last time she had touched a controller. 

 

Maybe it was time to try doing that again. Maybe she could allow herself.

 

“Yes.” She answered simply. Lexa smiled.

 

“What kinds of games?” 

 

“Not RPG…” She tried to think of a category that would be as far from Amy as possible. Baby steps. “Do you have any horror games?”

 

“We have some!” Lexa said, turning on the PS4 to get into it’s library. “We have some that are more combat based like  _ Resident Evil _ , but we have  _ Until Dawn _ too…”

 

“Oh! What is this _Until Dawn_ about?” Nico asked, tilting her head, noticing how dark and spooky the game looked.

 

“Oh!” Lexa smirked a bit. “It’s a horror game, that is also one of these choice games… It feels like a horror movie! I really can’t describe it, you have to try it for yourself.”

 

“Can you put it on?” Nico asked, a bit excited and Lexa nodded, initiating the game. 

 

Nico wasn’t ready for the turmoil of emotions that was. For starters, there were two sisters, Beth and Hannah pranked by their group of friends in a cabin in the woods, that made Nico kind of angry at how mean the other characters were. Hannah would run and the player, as Beth, would run after her, desperately seeking for her sister. That triggered something inside Nico, something that had been dormant for a while. She remembered how much Amy and herself would protect each other, doing whatever they could to be there for the other. In Beth’s place, she too would run after her sister in the middle of the night in a cabin in the woods, across a hill in the snow.

But it didn’t matter for Hannah and Beth both ended up dead. Immediately, that brought back the image of Amy laying down on her bed, no longer breathing.

She dropped the controller, shivering strongly, her chest going up and down, her lips trembling as air escaped her lungs. Lexa frowned, rubbing her back in an attempt to calm her down, gently shushing her. She knew what was happening, she had been through plenty of panic attacks herself years ago, after Costia died. 

 

“Hey, breathe…” She said softly. “Look around… Tell me three things you can see…” 

 

Despite the turmoil going in her mind, Nico tried to focus on her sight, letting her eyes roam around the room. Waverly and Haught were both there, snuggling each other on the cat tree.

 

“I see the cats…” She said, taking a deep breath in. Next, there was the TV and instead of focusing on the situation that was happening in the game, she tried to focus on the image itself, it was sort of foggy since there was a lot of rain in that scene. 

 

“I see the rain on the TV…” She took another deep breath, looking for something else, finding a painting on the wall, done by Clarke.

 

“I see the painting… The flowers in it.”

 

“Okay, good.” Lexa said, smiling a bit. “Can you tell me three things you can hear?” Nico nodded, focusing on her hearing now. Faintly, she could hear some stuff on the street outside.

 

“I hear… A dog barking outside.” She said, biting her lower lip. “Car sounds… And... Well, my own voice.” Yes, focusing on her own voice was good. It brought her back to that time and place.

 

“There you go… Three things you can touch or feel?” 

 

“Uhn…” Nico got up, going straight for the kitties, caressing each of them with one hand. Waverly started purring and that was very calming. She focused on the way the cat’s body vibrated and the engine-like sound. So cute and so soothing. “I can feel Waverly purring… and her fur…” She even smiled a bit at that, she was definitely starting to go back to the present. “I think… I think I’m better.”

 

“Okay… We don’t have to keep playing if you don’t want to.” Lexa offered, smiling a bit. “And if there’s anything you’d like to tell me… Please. I won’t judge.”

 

Nico bit her lip, sighing. She had never told someone who wasn’t a part of their group about what had happened and she still wasn’t sure if she could trust those people but there was something about the way Lexa looked at her, with so much care and understanding that maybe,  _ just maybe _ , she could try and trust her.

 

“I…” She bit her lower lip, hesitating for a moment. “My sister she… She committed suicide.” She trembled again, making a fist with her left hand in an attempt to keep herself from breaking down. “There was a day I entered her room and just… Found her there. Dead…”

 

“Oh, damn. I’m so, so sorry, Nico. That must have been awful…” Lexa said, gently rubbing the girl’s knee, trying to comfort her but carefully since she didn’t feel as if Nico would accept a stranger’s touch so easily. Having her opening up was already a huge step.

 

“It was…” Nico said, swallowing. “A part of me died that day with her.” Lexa nodded.

 

“You know, my first girlfriend was also my childhood best friend… She died when I was 16 and back then, my world crumbled completely… It took me a long time to recover and even more time to date again…. Until I met Clarke.” She smiled in a silly way. “She helped me a lot, she was really patient and sweet…”

 

“Sounds like Karolina.” Nico said, smiling a little. 

 

“I can see… Seems like they have some things in common.”

 

“They do.” Nico agreed. It sounded like she and Lexa did too. “We can keep playing... I just need a moment. Can I get myself some water?”

 

“Of course, dear! And whatever else you want!”

 

*******************************************************   
  
**It took about two hours** for Clarke to finish the first layers of the painting. She was still gonna shade and finish it properly but she didn’t need Karolina to pose for that so she decided to leave it for later.

 

“It’s not done yet, but if you wanna come take a look…” Clarke offered, smiling widely. Karolina nodded, getting up from the chair she had been sitting on and stretching, going to check Clarke’s work. Despite not being finished yet, the first layer of color around her looked amazingly beautiful already. It was a mix of yellow, blues and pinks that reminded Karolina of something she wasn’t even sure if Clarke knew about or not. For a couple of minutes, she simply stared at the picture, mesmerized. 

 

“This is beautiful…” She exhaled softly. Clarke smiled, getting up from her chair as well and staring at her daughter’s face.

 

“I tried my best to capture how beautiful  _ you  _ are, Karolina…” Karolina felt her face flush. She still didn’t know how to react to those kinds of comments coming from Clarke, especially when it sounded so genuine and so full of love.

 

“Thanks…” Was all she managed to say, a bit awkwardly.

 

“Are you hungry?” Clarke asked, smiling at Karolina who nodded. 

 

“I bet Nico is hungry, too!”

 

“Okay. How about we order some pizza?” Clarke suggested to which Karolina happily nodded and so they went back to the living room to find Nico and Lexa with their faces glued to the TV screen, still playing video games.

 

“Oh, you’re playing  _ Until Dawn  _ again?” Clarke asked, making a face. Lexa twisted her lips.

 

“In my defense, Nico is really enjoying it!”

 

“I am!” Nico said, her eyes not moving an inch. Karolina smiled to that, sitting beside her girlfriend. She hadn’t seen Nico playing games again ever since Amy passed away so that was a good sign. Maybe a first step to recovery. 

 

“I was wondering if you two would like to order a pizza!” Clarke said and Lexa immediately smiled widely. 

 

“You know I’m always up for pizza! What flavors do you girls like?”

 

“Any is good, honestly!” Karolina said, smiling a bit. “Nico likes pepperoni!”

 

“Yeah, I do.”

 

“Oh, like Lexa!” Clarke said, chuckling a bit. “I usually order a pepperoni for her and a  _ quatro formaggi _ for myself!”

 

“That works!” Karolina agreed, smiling widely.

  
Nico and Lexa kept on playing the game, while Karolina went to the kitchen with Clarke to help her get the things they’d need to set the table. 

 

“You know, it’s been forever since Nico wanted to play a game… So I’m really glad she’s doing it again.” She commented simply because she needed to let that out. Clarke smiled.

 

“I’m glad. You know, our door is always open for you two… Whenever you wanna come over even if it’s only so Nico can play games, you can…” She said, biting her lower lip, hoping she wasn’t sounding too desperate for contact.

 

“Thank you… I think she’d like that!” Karolina answered. “And honestly, I would too…”

 

*********************************************************************************   
  


The pizza was really tasty, perfectly warm and the cheese melted in their mouths. More than that, the whole atmosphere at the table while they ate was unique, warm and welcoming and it made the food and drinks taste better than usual.

 

“So, did you guys have a wedding party?” Karolina asked curiously. Both Clarke and Lexa smiled in a silly way and it was the cutest thing she had ever seen. 

 

“Yeaah…” Clarke said, dreamly. “Outdoors in a beautiful park. There were a lot of flowers…” She squeezed Lexa’s hand a little. Their wedding was still the happiest day of both of their lives. Sometimes it felt like yesterday when they had said their vows and “I dos”. It wasn’t a church wedding, since none of them was Catholic, instead it was based in Lexa’s native american family beliefs and tradition. 

“Aww! Did you wear dresses or suits or?” Karolina asked, hoping it wasn’t a weird thing to ask. But Lexa had been wearing a suit when they went to the museum and she was usually very well dressed so it made Karolina wonder.

 

“We were both in dresses, actually…” Clarke said.

 

“I do love a good suit when I’m working and all, but I wanted something different for when I got married to the woman I love…” Lexa explained, turning and pecking Clarke’s cheek. Karolina giggled. She could picture herself and Nico when they got married, herself in a champagne white dress, all shiny while Nico would likely be in black. Even for their wedding. And Karolina wouldn’t mind, she didn’t see it as a bad omen or anything of the sorts. Nico had explained to her that in witchcraft black was usually a color used for protection or to banish bad energies. Plus, it was her personal style and she’d want for her girlfriend to be the most herself she could be when they tied the knot.

 

“That makes sense…” Karolina said, nodding. “Could I see pictures?”

  
“Ooooh, yes!” Clarke said excitedly, getting up from the table to fetch their wedding album, giving it to Karolina so she could browse. Nico leaned closer to her girlfriend to take a peek as well.

 

The park was beautiful, the grass green and shiny and it looked like the day they had gotten married was really sunny. Clarke’s dress had a rounded cleavage, a long, yet thin skirt. The top part of the dress was embroidered in lace while the skirt was all white, made out of silk. 

 

Meanwhile, Lexa’s dress had a deep V shaped cleavage, going down past her boobs a bit, the color was more of a cloudy-white. It was all made of lace with gorgeous embroidery flowers decorating the whole dress. The skirt was longer than Clarke’s dress’, touching the ground. Lexa’s hair was split to the side, waves cascading down her shoulders while Clarke had half of her hair up, showing her face better, while the rest of the hair was down also in waves. They both looked amazingly gorgeous and so in love. They were smiling in most of the pictures, holding hands and snuggling close, as if they didn’t wanna leave each other’s side.

 

“These pics are so beautiful…” Karolina said, smiling widely. 

 

“Thanks…” Clarke agreed. “Our favorite one is in a photo frame in the living room, actually…”

 

“Oh! I’ll check it out later” Karolina nodded. It was almost magical to imagine that; a future where she and Nico would also be married with pictures of them garnishing the house. Maybe pictures featuring Clarke and Lexa as well. They’d also have cats and Gert would have to keep Old Lace away from them. 

 

Of course, Karolina  _ did  _ have an enormous mansion all to herself, but it didn’t feel like home. It reminded her too much of how her whole life had been a lie and when neither of her friends were there, it just felt empty. Even when she wasn’t alone, when it was just her and Nico, it didn’t have the same positive vibration that Clarke and Lexa’s home had.

 

“Hey…” Karolina’s lips started forming words before her mind could follow. “Do you think I could sleep over sometime…? Or us, if Nico wants to…”

 

“Oh, sure!” Nico answered, seemingly surprised. All of them looked surprised, actually, even Karolina herself.

 

Clarke’s heart beated faster against her chest, however and she couldn’t help but smile widely, exchanging a glance with Lexa who nodded.

 

“Yeah, it would be great… Maybe we could all go to the movies?”

 

“Movies sounds fun...”

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr at the-mightywanheda or on twitter at smolsassygay. Feel free to ramble about either of these ships anytime you want to :3


End file.
